The Vent Thread

[haley.]

i'm such a fucking pushover.
i gather up all this 'courage' so that i can stand up for myself, or for when there is an opportunity where i have a CHOICE and i tell myself not to take it. i mean, i think i deserve to be able to SAY what i want.
so why can't i?



everything makes me emotional and depressed lately.
even after today, where all my classmates ran to greet me and tell me they loved me and missed me...

i'm so fucking selfish.
i can't stand myself.

[haley.]

every little detail about everyone and everything makes me mad.

I'm so bitter and hypocritical. And fickle and selfish.
And just--
Ugh.

[dizz ✖]

i don't think i've ever been this scared.

[/font]

[habu]

<sup>You know, I'd forgotten it could get that bad.

That everything could feel so wrong and incorrect and strange and that the panic could just take over and that in those times I lose myself, I really do.

I'm doing better than the last times, at least.

But is there really a pattern? I'm starting to lose hope that there is.</sup>

[✠Kim✝]

Maybe I should just stop caring. | Maybe I should stop just stop worrying. | Maybe I should just stop thinking.

_{That sounds like an awfully good idea right now.}

[haley.]

SHUT UP
STOP IT
jesus, i'm so confused. i'm terrified. i'm at home by myself, i feel by myself, last night Barbi told me, "Get a grip, I've wanted to smack you for the last two hours."
I can't tell them about Bailey. I can't tell them i wasted a year of my life like that, that I RUINED everything like that.
All I wanna do is talk to myself and cry and talk about how confused I am and GsURPILJSKERU{ISJEPKR piposEKR I have NEVER been more disgusted with myself

i can't keep doing this. i wanna tear at my skin, i feel like something's inside me shaking things up, what is the matter with me.

NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED TO MAKE ME THIS WAY

[habu]

YOU are so FUCKING STUBBORN.

You will never, EVER admit you're wrong about ANYTHING.

And in that respect, you are the most SPOILED and IMMATURE person I have EVER met.

[too lazy to sign in]

I am NOT a fictional character. STOP referring to me as some third person in a conversation. I am a HUMAN BEING. IT HURTS HAVING TO ALWAYS BE REFERRED TO AS SOME KIND OF FICTIONAL CHARACTER, or something like that.. ugh

[haley.]

Camila,
You are my best friend, practically my other half, my sister, and while I wouldn't change a thing about you, and while every little thing you say means the whole goddamn world to me, please understand that... that I say everything you say to heart. Everything, I never forget anything you say, I can recite conversations, I have sat down before and just thought about things you've said, word-for-word.
So please don't let things in your life get you down. Because it completely tears me apart to know that I can't do anything about it.
And you may say that I am helping, but I'm not.

Kim,
I am so, so sorry for... for that time. For that time when I seriously tried to replace you with Bailey. That wasn't right. And truthfully, it has forever fucked up our relationship, and I will probably never be able to fix it. Try as I might. Fuck. I'm so glad you have Dizz.

And Dizz,
Don't think that you are required to talk to me. It's not. But if you really want me to talk to you - about whatever you want - just tell me, and I will begin the conversations. Don't feel awkward.

Kimmey,
You've changed, gladly. I want to thank you for coming back in contact with me, but I sort of think that... maybe we shouldn't. It's nice, it's nostalgic, it feels... it feels powerful being needed like this again. But I don't think it's right. I can't balance you and Ariel, I can't... I can't do a lot of things. I value what we had (sort of), but... But it's not right, you calling me Hales, calling me princess. Bailey called me Hales and you shouldn't try to fill that position. Just like I can't be your Ariel. But at the same time... you need me. And I can't bring myself to say I need you too, because I don't think I do. I do NOT want to replace Bailey with anyone. No one should be in that position. I want to forget it was there.

And Bailey,
I don't know how long I'll be venting about you.
I thought I'd stop, but whatever.
And I don't know when I'll get over this. Over you. No, not over you. Over the idea of you. I don't care about Bailey, I care about the fact that I had someone who was like that with me, and I've never had that with someone and...

What am I missing? What am I forgetting? What have I ruined?

[habu]

Oh please let this just be hormones. Please, god, please.


^{I don't wanna get depressed again.}

[✠Kim✝]

WELL I SUCK
I really, honestly, can't stand myself sometimes.

[haley.]

You know, a part of me really wants to say something.
But the last time I made a decision you got upset with me.

[haley.]

...YOU DUMB BITCH
IF YOU DON'T WANT MY GODDAMN OPINION, DON'T FUCKING ASK FOR IT

[dizz ✖]

you know, i am really sick of everybody lying to me.

and i probably sound immature or something, but GOD it happens to me all the time with everybody i know.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME OR SOMETHING, GOD DAMMIT, TELL ME.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF IT'LL HURT MY FEELINGS, BECAUSE I'D MUCH RATHER BE HURT BY THE TRUTH THEN BE PROTECTED BY A LIE.

^ugh.

[haley.]

I HATE WHEN I GET INTO THESE MOODS
why is it that this keeps happening to me? i got out and i have fun, i'm happy, but then it just... god, what is the matter with me?

and i know everyone's sick of hearing me ask that to myself
BUT DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW

x x x

we are supposedly so close but sometimes i just completely...
WHY DOES EVERYTHING MAKE ME SO FUCKING ANGRY WHEN I GET LIKE THIS?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.