The Vent Thread

[haley.]

i love how i just sort of let these little tiny things worry me and scare me until i wanna cry like this.

as if fucking crying ever does me any good.

i wish i was useful.

[haley.]

i wish i'd learn how to just fucking move on.

[dizz ✖]

<sup>i want to punch you, kick you, bite you, hurt you.
i want to hug her, kiss her, hold her, love her.

i'm sick of trying, sick of lying.
to you and to her.

i'm sick of being confused.
i'm sick of you.

i'm sick of myself.

i'm sick of being a hypocrite, i'm sick of you being one too.
i'm sick of telling you both everything is ok, when it isn't.

i'm sick and tired, so sick and tired, of being sick and tired.</sup>

xxx

haha.
pandora hearts and durarara!!.

...i'm going to end up alone again...
i'm kinda into both, but i want to be more.

just to look cool.

i'm stupid.
...why am i letting something like this get to me?

oh wait.

i know why.

^{and yet, you don't...}

[haley.]

you guys hurt me so much more then, like, the people who hate me hurt me.




you all keep telling me there's no pressure on me, that you just want me to be happy, but if i step one toe out of a line that you didn't even tell me you made, you guys freak out.

What. Do you want me. To do?
Don't hint, don't hide anything, just tell me because if I have to keep doing all this guesswork I'm gonna fucking explode.

i wanna say 'i'm not sorry' but i am. ok? i'm sorry. fuck.

[JustBethan]

Why do all artists people care a shit for have to be popular?
Why are they always drawing cannon pairings?
Why do I want to sell out and draw it too?

Why do I like the fanart of the pairings I don't like?
Why do pairings bug me this much anyway?
Why can't I have the guts to submit to my own fan character's fan club?!

Oh God why can't I ever say anything meaningful because I'm so scared?

[haley.]

WHAT THE HELL, YOU GUYS?

I... What are... Are you kidding me?
Do you two have... ANY IDEA How ANGRY I am right now? How HURT I am?
Please, enlighten me, just what have I lied so much about? What have I done to make you guys talk about me so much behind my back? Do you have any idea how much I've DEFENDED you BOTH in the past?

Oh no, really, it's no big deal that I feel isolated enough from both of you already. You're Norway and Iceland, aren't you? You're best friends, you constantly need each other, you're so close. Well, let me let you in on a little secret. I have been trying my damnedest to spread myself around to people, and not hang onto just one person. And it's been working OK, because nobody's said that they're lonely, or that they're not getting enough attention, or that they're jealous yet. I TRY to talk to everyone everyday, i try and make sure I'm there for everything, but that's not what this is about.

When all is said and done, are you going to be there for ME?
I thought you were... but obviously not if you seem to think I'm lying so much, if I'm hurting you so much, if I'm doing so many things wrong.

You guys... it seems to me YOU'RE the ones lying to ME.
You love me? You trust me? Obviously not.

You guys are so close to me and... and you do this? You think you're not hurting my feelings? You think I can take you venting about me all the time, lying to my face, putting me as the bad guy?

I'm NOT the fucking bad guy. Because when I say I love you to either of you, I fucking MEAN it. I don't say to someone else, Ohhh, they're so annoying, or ohhh well one time they did THIS and because of that, I don't trust them. Ohh, they forgot something, ohhh, they're busy, what a fucking liar.

And you know what, I know I'm overreacting, but dammit, I have a right to.

This sort of thing hits DEEPER inside of me than you think.
I have a HISTORY of this sort of thing.
I just...

I don't even know what to say. I was doing really good with not being this angry, even when Ariel or my Dad did shit that made me explode.

[haley.]

i'm just going to become a social recluse and not talk to anyone except my imaginary friends.
fuck.
i don't know if i'm sorry not. or if i even should be.
fuck.

[✠Kim✝]

This is what I didn't want to happen.
BUT HEY- I'm Kim. I screw a lot of things up.

How do you feel isolated from us?
I talk to you as much as I talk to her.

Don't you DARE think I wont be there for you. You KNOW I always tell you to come to if something is wrong. I CONSTANTLY worry about you. I ALWAYS THINK about you.
And you don't think I'm there for you? Trust you? Love you?
Now that- That hurts ME that you would even think that way.
I DEVOTE MY FUCKING LIFE TO THE COMPUTER TO TALK TO YOU.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.

Always vent about you?
WHEN DID I VENT ABOUT YOU RECENTLY?
I didn't.
WHEN DID I LIE TO YOUR FACE?

Some of the things that you do hurt me. Especially your vents that are about me and I know they are. I'm online can't you say it to my face?
Like that one vent you wrote about me that everyone here could see- it still kills me.. I read it the other day and started crying.

Just so you know, I treat you, her, and them all equally.

^{I'm sorry I make some mistakes.
I'm sorry sensitive.
I'm sorry you don't understand me..
I'm sorry I'm confused.
I'm sorry I'm scare.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.. But no one is..}

In short: I FUCKING LOVE YOU. You can think otherwise if you want, but you'd be wrong... I'm sorry.

[dizz ✖]

...
......

...i... do you really think i don't love you or trust you...? w-what. are you kidding me? that. that hurts.

isolated from me? once again, what. i love you and her and the others equally. and a whole fucking lot.

OF COURSE i will be there for you. what kind of a question is that?

i'm not perfect, obviously. and you damn well that i worry and overreact like crazy. i'm sensitive, and i take things the wrong way sometimes. that doesn't make me a liar.

you have every right to be mad, and maybe you didn't do anything wrong but still...

we all know we overreacted, so what's the problem? happens to everybody.

and sure, i may vent about you, but it's not always. a lot of times, but not always. and i don't say it to your face because i'm a pussy.

in short, i'm sorry and i love you.

^{PS this vent doesn't make sense because my mind can't process anything at the moment.
PSPS you kind of confuse me, but that's okay because i'm confusing too.}

[haley.]

Sorry.
I didn't mean for this relationship to be cut off so quickly like this, but it seems that it has.
And don't start talking about how I didn't make the right effort because you weren't making any either.

I just get really sick of you doing the same damn thing and acting like I don't know any better. In case you haven't noticed, there hasn't been a time since I've known you where I've doubted you, said anything bad about you to anyone, done this to you...

You're a really good friend of mine. But I don't see a reason to keep this up if you're going to keep acting like I've done just everything wrong in the world in order to hurt your feelings. I just don't have the time to put up with it, and if you're so dead set on not accepting when I 'come rushing back to you,' please understand that I am not even in the position to be going back to anyone. You were the one who started this, and I'm sorry, because that's a harsh thing to say, but it's how it is. And I accepted this, and I forgave you. But you refuse to let go, and you're doing it again, and if you're going to keep doing it, how many second chances am I going to have to give you?

I guess my biggest issue is that you keep going between how close I am to you, and how terrible I am.
Pick One.
If you need me, don't talk about me in Icelandic on twitter like I don't know any better.

- - - -

God DAMN I am so SICK of being a pushover.
And if I have to start being MEAN to get the point across that I am NOT always going to be there for the people for hurt me, that I am NOT this perfect little picture of niceness and charity and love, then I will.

I am not a pushover.
I am not stupid.
Stop fucking acting like I am.
All Of You.

[✠Kim✝]

|:C
Why is this making me so upset.
I kind of just want to vanish her from everything and pretend I never created her.
Theirs is so much better. I kind of hate mine now. Wry sob. Augh. IF I HAD KNOWN ABOUT THEIRS BEFORE I MADE MINE, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SO ATTACHED TO THIS STUPID COUNTRY.
And they made all the countries of a country that this country was part of. I was GONNA do that but now I wont even dare to do that.
; n ; Shut up and let me vent over other people's FC's/OC's.

/jealousy sob

[✠Kim✝]

LOL HEY, AUSTIN ^ p ^
Stop trying to act cool. Just because you're popular doesn't give you the right to treat me like shit.
I swear to fucking god if you get on my nerves one more time, I will seriously punch you.
You should already know this because of the fact that I've known you since kindergarten and in the past I've been a very violent person.
Remember when you used to piss me off in elementary school? And I would kick you in the legs filling them up with bruises?
Remember how you would steal my stuff and I would pry your hands open with my nails?
Remember how you always said I liked someone and I would pinch your arm until you stopped so hard that it would break the skin?
Yeah.
Don't fucking piss me off.
If you thought I was strong then.. think how strong I am now, fag.
I have enough crap to deal with I don't need you to add on to that.
SO. . . FUCK OFF.
:I

[habu]

^{aaaa what am I doing. This is a vent thread, not a worry thread.}

I don't get angry, I worry and worry and worry.

<sup>I'm worried about becoming a shut-in. I'm worried about Refuge of the Needy. I'm worried I won't finish it. I'm worried I'll lose interest in the pairing. I'm worried I'll lose interest in HTTYD. I'm worried that the next time I watch it, it won't be special anymore. I'm worried I'll never feel this great when I listen to music again. I'm worried that I'm going to stop wanting that. I'm worried this is all a dream. I'm worried I might be dead. I'm worried I might be bipolar or have some other mental problem. I'm worried something bad is going to happen soon. I'm worried that I'll never find them. I'm worried I'll stop loving them.

worriedworriedworriedworried I can't fucking sleep. I'm so sad. I want to be happy. It's almost worse, being so up and down, then being sad all the time.</sup>

[haley.]

i don't get it. why am i so... so... all of this. so emotional, so clingy, so worrisome, so selfish?
i don't understand how i can be so full of myself and so self-loathing at the same time.
i just want to seclude into myself and not come out. my faults upset me to such an extent i want to cry. i'm not suicidal. i'm not. i'm just indifferent. and i know when people read this they are going to worry.

but the reason i keep posting how upset i am everywhere is because i'm desperate for someone to see that i need help - and give it.

i am a coward. i write stories and poems about hope, about optimism, when i'm negative and terrible and pessimistic and selfish and such a damn hypocrite.
and you know, sometimes, i really want to take one of you guys and just... cry, for a long time, to you. but i can't. and it's not because i don't trust you, it's just that... you wouldn't understand.

you can try, you can worry, you can tell me you love me, but nobody understands.

[dizz ✖]

Well it kind of hurts
when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives